The Video That Saved Pop Music: An In-Depth Socio-Feminist-Postmodern-LGBT-Awesomeness Look at 'Telephone' by Lady Gaga

When I first heard Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” on KISS FM, I didn’t even know it was her song; it seemed too pop-y and irreverent, the likes of which we haven’t heard since “Just Dance,” and I expected her newer singles to have more lyrical depth reminiscent of “Paparazzi” and “Bad Romance.” So I dismissed the song as fun but not super-interesting, and went on my merry way.

And then the video dropped.

My first reaction was “zomg LESBIANS” and my second reaction was “how on earth are they gonna play this on MTV??”

Anyway.  There is so much going on in this video, I don’t even know where to begin. But in the spirit of Gaga and her ultra-surreal-erotic-pop-art-jump-cutting-costume-lesbolicious style, and the fact that I was an English major once upon a time, I’m going to provide a recap of “Telephone” while also deconstructing it thematically and you guys can do with it what you will. Read on, brave souls.

1. Entrapment/Brainwashing/Criminality

The video opens in a prison, but it’s not your average maximum security joint. This one’s a prison for bitches, y’all.  And judging by the level of security and wiring in the place, bitches that have been “Very, very bad” (to quote Miss Beyonce who appears shortly). Oh and did I mention that this prison appears to be chock full of lesbians?

As Gaga is led through the cell block -- she’s in jail for murdering her asshole boyfriend in case you never saw the video for “Paparazzi” -- we get a glimpse of the femmes:

Someone should tell the lady on the right that those bars probs aren’t very sanitary, but hey it’s a girl licking something so whatever.

The butches:

Yowza. Escape from here does not look like a safe option.

Really, though?  I can hardly lift 10 lb weights.

Next we get a glimpse of Gaga’s “hoo-ha” (those were Carson Daly’s words transcribed from an actual interview, not kidding).

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