Compared to last week’s premiere, this week’s episode of Coven, “Boy Parts,” is a pleasantly casual romp that’s fun for the whole family. Sure, there are some pretty gruesome moments, but nothing near the festival of graphic escalation that occurred in Bitchcraft a week ago. That’s not saying it’s smooth sailing from here on out. I’m sure there’s going to be plenty more opportunities to use the phrases “slave torture” and “death-by-vagina” again, but this week we get a little breather.
Someone also getting a little breather is Lily Rabe, whose character Misty has returned to life following previously getting burned at the stake. After an opening sequence in which two charming gentlemen hunt and kill an alligator, Misty shows up to teach the hunters a lesson, namely that alligators will probably want to kill you if magically revived after you’ve murdered them.
Remember, Misty has the power of Resurgence, so she’s able to bring dead things back to life. It will be hard to forget this because several characters will blatantly and often remind you in their dialogue. American Horror Story has a tendency to use violence to disturb one to their core, but this moment of alligator carnage is actually a fun, old-school gory way to start the episode. Plus, characters who say things like, ‘We’ve got a lot of skinning to do before sundown’ will probably not be missed. Side note: the music in this episode is fantastic. I watched with headphones in for the first time and found myself constantly creeped out in the best way by witchy-dubstep. More of that please...
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, Cordelia asks the girls to come downstairs for their morning gathering in a moment that seems only included because Emma Roberts has a body she’s really proud of (and should be). Her character Madison then goes on to scoff at Zoe for mourning the death of her would-be boyfriend Kyle, who died in the bus crash post-Madison’s gang rape. Zoe truly believes Kyle was a good person, but Madison insists “guilt by association.” Madison does go on to apologize for his death, but kindly reminds Zoe that even if he had survived, her vagina probably would have gotten him in the end.
Cordelia, still on her quest to round everyone up for the morning gathering, insists her mother come down, but Fiona is too busy with the recently un-tombed Kathy Bates.
Fiona is on a quest to discover how Madame LaLaurie didn’t age while buried alive for 180 years. Madame LaLaurie is on a quest to discover what the hell anything in the 21st century is. After this we get a flashback of Queenie working at a fast food joint. A customer at the counter believes he was stiffed a piece of chicken, Queenie calls his bluff, and shoves her arm in a deep fryer while giving him a death glare. She’s A-okay, but his hand bubbles and burns. Back in real time, Queenie explains how the incident brought her to the school and an understanding of her witch powers, and that she’s an heir to Tituba (Tituba of the high-school mandatory Crucible, of course).
Gabourey Sidibe is also one of my favorite people on this show right now, so I continue to be bummed she’s not in the opening credits and that her doom is probably imminent.
The next sequence is an odd demonstration of Zoe’s sudden extreme stupidity. A detective comes to the school to inquire about the frat boy bus crash, and Madison explains the only connection she had to them was when they brought her into the back room to smoke and she said no.
The detective then whips out a picture of Zoe visiting Main Evil Frat Boy at the hospital and explains he died the exact same way as Zoe’s former boyfriend after Zoe left his room. Zoe reacts to this by dramatically and loudly blowing their cover. She starts by yelling about how the boys gang raped Madison, then escalates into a detailed rant that ends with, “Everyone here is a witch, I’m so sorry, please don’t send us to jail.” Note to everyone on the show: do not take Zoe on any covert missions because she will literally scream all your secrets to everyone.
Fiona pulls some sort of mind erasure on the detectives and covers up Zoe’s mess. She then storms into Madison and Zoe’s bedroom to do that thing she so loves doing where she flings young blonde girls against walls before yelling at Zoe that she’s soft, emotional, and weak (so basically a good person), and that the only thing the girls have to fear is Fiona herself (and possibly the terrifying ‘yah yah yah’ music that is not at all comforting in headphones).