The Graduate Blog: Dinah Won't You Blow Your Horn?

Something spectacular is approaching fast. It is large, stranded in the middle of the desert, and accessible only through a rented house and lots of wine coolers. And, like Ahab chasing after Moby Dick, I am about to put on my rain pants and goggles (that’s what he wore, right?), stick a pipe in my mouth, and go after the White Whale. This ghost of beast, the goliath to my David, is, of course, the one and only, THE DINAH.
By: Ariel Shepherd-Oppenheim
March 03 2011 3:06 PM

Oh why hello there ladies (and the occasional gent)!!

Something spectacular is approaching fast. It is large, stranded in the middle of the desert, and accessible only through a rented house and lots of wine coolers. And, like Ahab chasing after Moby Dick, I am about to put on my rain pants and goggles (that’s what he wore, right?), stick a pipe in my mouth, and go after the White Whale. This ghost of beast, the goliath to my David, is, of course, the one and only, THE DINAH.

For those of you who have not have not partaken, The Dinah is lesbian mayhem or the Best Lesbian Weekend Ever, depending on your experience. As far as I can tell, it’s kind of like taking an extended trip on mushrooms. You spend four days of your life in an alternate reality, and you either have the best time of your life or spend the entire time crying in a closet thinking that your face is melting. Officially, it is a weekend in Palm Springs for gay girls with tons of parties, performances, and general craziness. Kind of like the White Party but for girls.

This year will be the first year I encounter The Dinah face-to-face.

I will be renting a house with some friends, covering the event for SheWired, and generally attempting to crowd-surf my way into the merriment without being consumed by the chaos and dragged down into the underworld forever.

And I’m a little terrified… but mostly so excited I could pee or throw up.

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Because, as far as I can tell, The Dinah is going to be kind of like a buffet. A buffet where there are 1,000,000 girls and I can have as many as I want. Time and energy of course are limited, but I’m twenty-three and with a little Redbull I can stay up for a week. Just saying.

BUT OH WHAT KIND TO CHOOSE?

I have to figure out my outfits for the weekend, and a lot of that will be determined by who I’m trying to lure in. If I’m going after the underfed androgynous type, I will be rocking low-cut dresses and heels. If I would like some femmes, I’ll be breaking out the skinny jeans, beanies, converse, and vests and probably tucking my hair up at some point.

Unfortunately, these are two very different looks and it’s tricky to go for both at the same time.

See, I am an equal opportunity queer girl-- namely, I’ll try to do it with anyone who’s not straight (as long as they are really hot. Or awesome. Or both). Whether you are super-thin and don’t need to wear a bra, the song “Fat-Bottomed Girl” could have been written about you, or you are somehow a combination of these two things, HIT ME UP (er, I mean… I will still be interested in you). 

I imagine that at The Dinah (again I realize that perhaps this will only be in my dreams) I will get to be Pan the goat-boi with a flute and some fun little horns (as they were in the days of yore) piping for any cute girl to come by so I can flirt with them.

Although I have to say there has one girl that has been filling my dreams lately, one girl that every time I see her open her ridiculously huge mouth my heart begins to scream. And that girls is: RACHEL BERRY.

Yes, I know she’s not real and that Lea Michelle is ACTUALLY the person who plays her, but that is not who I want. I want the uptight Jewish girl with the cardigans and the knee-highs socks to boss me around in the choir room, not the real girl.

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I don’t know if you guys saw this, but a couple of weeks ago Rachel and Mercedes sang a duet from Rent (traditionally sung by the another Jewish princess I lust over, Idina Menzel) called “Take Me or Leave Me.” It’s about two girls in a couple who are very different but end up loving each other anyway or something. Whatever. The message of the song is not important. The important part is that I would like to take BOTH of them TOGETHER and also right now.

This is my personal fave

Particularly, though, Rachel’s bossy Jewish thing really does it for me. This is because I love Jewish girls. If I had to pick just one kind of girl (God forbid), she would be Jewish. You don’t even have to be Jewish, but if you look Jewish that is pretty much good enough. I’m half Jewish and I don’t practice, but apparently something most have happened in my formative years at Hebrew school because now I am obsessed.

To clarify: I don’t want to marry Jewish girls and settle down and have Jewish babies, I just want to sleep with them.

Anyway, Rachel has been the Glee cast member I have been obsessing over for a while now. And I just can’t help it. What seems most strange to me is that I think in real life I would want to punch her in the face. She is annoying and bossy and a pain in the ass and I don’t think I’d actually want to hang out with her.

Does anyone else have this issue where the girl of their fantasy dreams is not actually someone they would want to spend time with? Or am I just crazy?

Well anyway….

The Dinah, here I come. And hopefully there will be a Lea Michelle look-alike that thinks I’m foxy and will let me call her Rachel.

Creeping out the ladies all the time,

Ariel

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