Halleluiah! SheWired is here and I’m over the moon to pen, as it were, my first Media Blender for our new site. For those who’ve followed my trajectory from LesbiaNation.com "Media Blender" guru to SheWired’s Senior Editor, this is the column in which I generally praise or wax pervy about celebrities or rip on whatever the hell’s pertinent or important in the world of pop culture and politics for the week.
Of course, occasionally I’ll just devise any old reason to ramble on about my tried and true favorite ladies from Penelope Cruz to Valerie Bertinelli and even a plus-sized, pissed off Kirstie Alley flipping the bird at the paparazzi. Just about anything goes.
Despite my tiny New England Seven Sisters’ Mount Holyoke College background and endless hours pondering domesticity, transgressive women and the hegemonic patriarchy -- while crushing on my professors -- "Media Blender" throws political correctness right out the window!
This is also not a Lindsay Lohan free zone. It’s a fairly Britney Spears and Paris Hilton free zone since they generally bore the crap out of me. But all hail the Lush, the Lez, the erstwhile pundit, the anti Prop. 8 blogger Lindsay Lohan. I don’t give a damn if she’s arm in arm with her DJ to the stars Samantha Ronson or shouting at Ashley Olsen’s “15-year-old, Full House ass,” I adore that nutty bitch.
That said, I’m thrilled that SheWired is finally here, although my head is about to explode from prepping for it. Anyone who knows me well also knows that I generally just cry through my stress but then my contacts adhere to my eyeballs and it’s tough to see the computer screen. It’s been kind of like finals' week around here, although, since it’s an actual job with a human resource person who frowns on on-the-job boozing, I’m muscling through the stress, sans red wine and tequila.
First up, how in God’s name is a sensitive, cry-baby prone girl like me supposed to tune into NBC these days without welling up every time they air an ER commercial for Abby’s departure? I mean, after nine years and hundreds of episodes of hot-assed, brooding, sad-sack, boozer Nurse / Dr. Abby, it’s a sad day in the ER. This one is going to hurt.
Those writers at ER sure know how to tap into the melodramatic tear-jerking. They make Clint Eastwood’s weepy, emotion tugging films like Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby and the upcoming The Changeling look as insensitive as Judd Apatow's, shlubby, nerdy, dumbass boy gets the hot girl comedies.
While there’s no denying Linda Cardellini’s, Parminder Nagra’s and the latest Chief of Staff, the perennially stunning Angela Bassett’s charms, losing Maura Tierney and her wholly kissable perma-pout is a big fucking deal.
Maura’s departure beats out losing Noah Wylie’s Carter to wherever the hell his poor-me man child went to find himself. It’s worse than losing Laura Innes’ cranky but lovable Lesbo Kerry Weaver to another hospital and it’s even more devastating than losing Kellie Martin’s Lucy to a nutcase who stabbed her.
No more Abby, no more one more week of crossing the fingers that she and Parminder’s Neela might finally realize they were meant for one another and peel off the latex gloves, don a fresh pair, indulge in a good snog and have at it! Farewell Maura. I’ll have Baby Mama in heavy rotation on my Netflix cue just for you.
Speaking of Baby Mama, in the post-modern wonderland of a world and political climate in which we live, will the real Tina Fey / Sarah Palin / Tina Fey please stand up? It’s like a three-month long viewing of Blade Runner, replete with Republican Replicants. It’s becoming increasingly more difficult to suss out the original from the knock-off and vice versa. I keep expecting Sean Young to turn up. Anyway, the hottest nerd on the planet, Ms. Tina-Multiple-Emmy-Winner-Hot-Ass Fey is so good at nailing Sarah Palin, Alaska’s disturbingly sexy, however crazy, Governor Palin is now threatening to return the favor and nail Fey and her Amex commercial on the Oct. 26, episode of SNL.
But if this Palin crap goes on beyond the election, we’re in danger of losing the World’s Hottest Nerd to another planet. That’s right. Tina’s says she’ll make like Major Tom and go space bound.
More on next page...
On the possibility of an ongoing stint of playing Palin, Tina recently said, “We’re going to take it week by week. If she wins I’m done. I can’t do that for four years. And by done, I mean I’m leaving earth.” Here’s hoping the Barack Obama / Hillary Clinton -- whoops, I mean -- Obama / Joe Biden ticket wins, John McCain and Palin crawl back under the prospective rocks and Tina continues to reign in her glasses and pencil skirt. But if we lose Tina, congrats to all of those lucky space Lesbos who'll get her.
And… on the subject of Tina Fey, thank the good Lord, smokin’ Salma Hayek’s coming into her fold! Her 30 Rock fold that is. The world’s hottest nerd meets one of the world’s hottest Latinas -- the other being Salma’s erstwhile GF Penny Cruz. Salma’s slated to play Alec Baldwin’s character, the loopy Jack Donaghy’s, fiery girlfriend. Word has it Tina handpicked Salma for the two-part role. Not only is she a hot nerd but Tina has impeccable taste.
Also on deck to appear on 30 Rock this season are Saint Oprah, can-someone-find-her-a-decent-role Jennifer Aniston, Gossip Girls’ Blake Lively, and Leighton Meester. If Tina keeps up with her Palin / Emmy winning / Baby Mama box office boffo trajectory, Oprah might just have to kiss her title as Queen of the World goodbye.
Earlier I bad-mouthed gritty man’s man Clint Eastwood and his penchant for tear-jerking, manipulative women’s weepy films, however, I tip my trendy pageboy cap in his direction because whenever Santa Angelina Jolie of the Holy Order of Hot Lips graces billboards around LA, it makes me my commute so much more tolerable. Creeping along Sunset Blvd. toward home, I turn a corner in my little Scion and behold Angie’s lips, bigger than life -- although perhaps they’re the actual size. Who can say?
Angie plays a thirties-era mom desperately searching for her missing son in Clint’s latest opus The Changeling. Following her Oscar snub for her pet project A Mighty Heart, from the looks of the trailer, ole Ange might just nab another nom for the role.
Also on the big screen, nice girl Anne Hathaway gets down, dirty and raw in Jonathan Demme’s purportedly best work since The Silence of the Lambs, in Rachel Getting Married. Although, I’m sure Oprah would attest that Beloved is Demme’s greatest work. Now that Anne’s cut her teeth playing an action star as Agent 99 in this summer’s celluloid Get Smart, a Valtrex-laden Mary Poppins on Saturday Night Live and a booze-friendly black sheep in Rachel, perhaps she and Devil Wears Prada co-star Emily Blunt will do a sequel in which the assistants give a big flip off to the boss and engage in a long lunch spa and steam bath day, painting each other’s nails and braiding each other’s hair… just a thought.
Before we wind the Blender down. Here’s a shout out to my pal Patricia Rae, who delivers a witty, heart-rending, spot-on performance as a lesbian nun -- one of my favorite lesbian fetish subsets -- in the trippy, endlessly fascinating paean to everything from Fellini to The Wizard of Oz in Asleep on a Bicycle at LA’s Elephant Theater.
Who ever said the theater is dead? Well, at least there is no shortage of lesbian characters on stage in LA this month. Playwright and actress Odalys Nanin’s historical romp, The Adventures of the Lieutenant Nun -- are you sensing a theme here -- about a 17th century Basque woman, with a penchant for the ladies, who grows up in a nunnery and masquerades as a soldier, runs for just two more weekends at Macha Theater in Weho. And the weekend of the 26th, Nanin will donate a portion of the Box to “Say No to Prop. 8.”
A big thank you to all the folks donating to “Say No to Prop. 8,” to defeat that hateful, small-minded, anti-gay marriage measure, is in order. Among the gay celebs who’ve recently opened up their purse strings are T.R. Knight and Suze Orman. And that’s a big deal because that hot butch cougar dominatrix is tight with her cash! She terrifies me. One look at my credit rating and she’d have me on my knees scrubbing her floors and that’s not always a bad thing. Thank you Suze. You silver fox!
Miss the last "Media Blender"? Read it here.