An Ode to Lindsay Vonn, Her Ass and Her Injured Shin

An Ode to Lindsay Vonn, Her Ass and Her Injured Shin

I've shoveled 30 inches of snow, drained my third glass of medicinal Cabernet and all I want to do is sit back and relax, but I can't. Seems there's already controversy surrounding the Winter Olympics -- more specifically surrounding Lindsey Vonn's ass on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Olympic preview issue. Everyone's uptight about her nice-tight butt being on the cover.

Big deal. So they put a good looking woman skier in a sexy pose on the front cover. They do crouch down like that when they ski. The prudes just don't mind seeing it when she's flying down the hill at 70 mph. I checked out all the skiers and snowboarders and honestly, they're all incredibly good looking, so why not? Would you prefer Johnny Weir in fake fur crouched and holding his pole? I thought not.

So I'm busy checking out all these "depraved" poses SI has set up with the athletes and maybe even checking out some of the other models. It's what the internet's for right? And my girlfriend walks past me and turns on the NBC Nightly News. World news depresses me terribly, but she can't get enough of the stuff and before I can immerse myself in more Sports Illustrated "athlete research," Brian Williams starts going on about Lindsey Vonn.

...but it's more bad news. The spotlight has fallen from Lindsey's ass to her shin. Brian Williams informs all of America that there is a curse that befalls all those who grace the cover of SI, and Lindsey Vonn is the latest to fall under its shadow.

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Fall she did...on a training exercise in Europe and knocked the shit out of her right shin. So much so that so far she can't get her boot on and put pressure on it. Lindsey says she's seeing a team of doctors but won't get an x-ray. She's also trying other treatments: putting cheese on it to reduce the swelling.

This is no good ladies. She's pretty much been touted as the Michael Phelps of these games and she might not be able to ski. Since she's a favorite of mine, looking like a blond goddess and all, I think I made a small mewing sound of pity, which was a mistake. My girlfriend took it as some sort of animal cry of pleasure and laid into me, Brian Williams, Lindsey Vonn, her ass and her shin.

"It's all just hype!" she yells. "She's fine. They just want to play this up as the comeback story of the games. Right!?" She looks at me and I know I'm screwed. Seems that I might have been talking about Lindsey's attributes a little too much.

"Right, " I say. Now's not the time to joke about my Lindsey getting four stitches from a celebratory champagne bottle at the World Cup and probably time to end this column. I do hope she gets that comeback though...

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Tags: Sports