Sleeping Beauty School opens with Trick informing his picture of Bo that he remembers her and asking it where she is. The picture remains stubbornly silent so presumably there will more interrogation to come, just as soon as he finishes cleaning the blood from it. I'm loving Lost Girl's approach to resolving cliffhangers! Remember how when we last saw Trick he was about to be attacked by an angry succubus? I guess that sorted itself out.
Speaking of cliffhangers that resolved themselves, Dyson is taking in his daily flashback at the site of last season's truck crash. This time his happy memories are interrupted by a noise in some nearby bushes. How many times do you think Dyson has harassed stray wildlife on this quest? Judging by his persistence even after being bitten I'm hoping he's up to date on his rabies vaccinations. Fortunately this tree is free of rabid beasts and houses only a small, Hermione-haired child.
Opening credits’ Bo assures us she will not hide anymore. How's that working out for you Bo? Have you noticed that you are in fact a literal Lost Girl these days?
At the clubhouse Kenzi is preparing Bo's room to entice her back with all of her favorite things: champagne, chocolate (lube and actual), blindfolds and promises of Victoria's Secret models. Kenzi is the best friend a succubus could wish for.
Dyson enters and introduces the hair child he believes is everyone's favorite valkyrie resurrected. Kenzi has her doubts until Tamsinette (I'm open to other suggestions here) throws both a knife and some shade which is lucky since I'm pretty sure letting non-fae children play with large knives is frowned upon. I have extremely limited experience with human children so let me know if I'm mistaken here you guys. Regardless, it seems a fairly efficient method for determining if a child is in fact a resurrected frenemy who drove you over the edge of a cliff. Dyson is hopeful that this very small version of Tamsin will be able to shed some light on Bo's whereabouts.
Have you been looking for a great place to meet your friends? Exciting news! Ronny's is just that! Lauren's friends apparently didn't get the memo as she's left cursing at the payphone while Dyson's phone rings out silently. I love that this place has a payphone. Where is this? The 90s?
Fortunately you can make new friends at Ronny's too as fellow waitress Crystal (Bomb Girls' Ali Liebert) is trying to demonstrate. Crystal tells Lauren to contact her if she ever needs anything. Lauren's mind is too focussed on fae to notice the hot blonde in floral and she rudely dismisses the offer. Something tells me Crystal won't give up that easily though. It's not every day new co-workers with ridiculous wigs come into her life.
Dyson and Kenzi are reconsidering their babysitting-for-information plan when Trick informs them the Tamsinette's memories may not return. Trick shares some concerns about the lack of security at Kenzi and Bo's abode - “how are you still alive?” - while dodging questions about the fancy new wounds on his arm.
Since the valkyrie-in-progress might be a bust Trick suggests the compass from last week might be able to tell them Bo's location. Kenzi and Dyson argue about who will babysit and who will find the stray succubus. Dyson is old-fashioned and believes the werewolves (and sirens) find the missing unaligned fae while the humans raise the Nordic reapers. Trick interrupts the parenting debate with the reveal that Bo is no longer on their physical plane.
Wherever Bo is, she has some pretty fancy sheets. The succubus awakes on a plush bed that is not on a plane but a slower form of transport – a moodily-lit train hurtling through seeming nothingness.
Dyson confronts Trick at his Dal lair about his eau de blood-of-the-succubus fragrance and Trick reveals that while they felt joy at remembering Bo, Aife went from a regular succubus straight back to crazy town. This is exactly what daughters love to hear about their parents. At least I assume that's why my mother tells me I drive her crazy. And why she murders all those people.
Trick and Dyson discuss trackers that may be able to help them find Bo and there is apparently only one who can traverse the planes of existence Endimian. Inconveniently, he has been sneakily elusive for almost a millennium. Trick recommends consulting a fey named Selene who has a salon and perhaps some information on tracking down a tracker.
Screams from above interrupt the convoluted tracking plan and Trick mentions that the Una Mens have arrived in town. The fey Volturi have set up in the Ash's compound but are also conducting some interviews in the Dal. Vex is looking even more S & M than usual while being interrogated about the location of the former Morrigan. He reveals she is alive and escaped from his office cage.
The Una Mens have a charming collection of masks to match each of our team, just like this season on Pretty Little Liars. Vex has suddenly decided he hates dressing up as the threat of wearing his own “last mesmer” mask makes him offer the council what they really want: “her.” An ominous pan past masks labelled “human terrorist,” “unaligned succubus” and “human doctor” keep the meaning of his promise somewhat open to interpretation.
The Una Mens interrogator agrees to his offer on the condition that Vex have a gross slug-like creature, (or possibly appendage?) which her assistant removes from behind her ear, placed in his mouth. I can only imagine how that tastes and I'm suddenly wishing I couldn't. I'm going to believe it tastes like delicious slug nutella in order to continue living in the world.
Taking Trick's advice, Dyson and Hale head down to Selene's Beauty School, a haven of matching hot beauticians and information about Endimian, or Eddie as Selene refers to him. She demands “pleasure before business” as Dyson's curls are clearly in need of her skills before she could possibly help them out. It's nice to see a small business owner that likes their job this much. Good for Selene! I hope she doesn't turn out to be an unthinkably disgusting beast.
Hale takes a direct approach to detecting by stepping right on up to the reception computer and looking around. Mia Kirshner returns as Cleo the nymph to both slap him on the wrist and write some Hindi on it. The note is a message for Astrid who she claims will actually help them find Eddie unlike Selene who is “stringing them along.”
Kenzi and the Tamsinette have a heart to heart in Bo's sex palace because Kenzi is a responsible adult who should definitely be trusted with children. It's all going fairly well until Tamsin flushes Kenzi's sparkle cream, which is still her only defense against the fae hunting her. A few valkyrie tears are all it takes for Kenzi to use some of what little power she has left to cheer her little visitor up.
At Astrid's incense-filled parlor she tells Dyson and Hale that Cleo actually sent them there to have their memories erased. The fae are all about memory erasure this season. Astrid decides to help them instead and informs them that they are both frustrated – Dyson because he seeks a hunter and Hale because he seeks the courage to hunt. When Dyson asks why she doesn't just erase their memories she informs them that the women at Selene's are “evil incarnate, twelve years later and the perm they gave me still hasn't grown out.” Take note, readers in service industries, the fae will hold a grudge.
Astrid gives Dyson a vial that is “one kiss, only one moment will be its match” with no further explanation. Everyone loves vague descriptions of mystical potions. They never go wrong!
For Hale's frustrations Astrid strokes his face with some perfume and tells him to go to the one he loves. Again, what could go wrong?
A cleaning dance party is underway at Selene's but Cleo informs the men they should not have returned. In response to Hale's accusation of her lies she sets the cleaning girls on them. After initially baring their claws the women suddenly realize they want Hale in a whole other way as it seems Astrid's magic was non-specific. Dyson flees while the siren is swamped by beautiful women.
Kenzi's babysitting service has moved to the baking stage as Tamsinette questions her about her relationship with Bo. Kenzi declares them “strictly BFFs” and lists the duties that entails, concluding with “if one's missing the other has even the tiniest inkling of where they are.” Tamsinette responds as tactfully as her previous adult self might with “but Bo's missing and you don't know where she is.” Kenzi's reply of “I know, I suck” just about kills me.
Thankfully my feels are interrupted by Tamsinette finding the wanderer card, which promptly combusts in her hands. That would be the most annoying super power ever (arguably beaten by Zoe's in American Horror Story: Coven). You would get so mad whenever you tried to read. Kenzi spies the woman in the card and the girls realize their wayward succubus might be hiding just past the flames. Once the fire is put out they read “MMXV” from the card which wasn't there before and Kenzi texts it to Dyson for fae-terpretation.
Dyson helps himself to the back room of Selene's by monologuing about the intricacies of the mystical lock on the door before using his wolf strength to rip it off. Inside he finds Eddie, in an amazing robe, and Selene informs him the tracker is “not dead, just fast, fast asleep.” If only Dyson had something that could wake one from a mystical slumber!
Back at the friend-meeting diner, Lauren gets distracted by a newspaper picture of a brunette who turns out not to be Bo and drops a tray. Crystal calls her out for lying on her resume as she has clearly never waited tables. Lauren is the worst at undercover. Couldn't she have taken a job where her doctoring skills were a little more relevant without being obvious? Perhaps as a hot butcher? Back in the actual show Crystal informs Lauren that “it's okay, we're all running from something,” sensually replaces her “Amber” name tag and turns it up a notch by declaring her “cute and funny and sexy.” This still isn't enough to sway Lauren who turns down Crystals offer of a drink after work and again leaves the poor girl hanging. Crystal is both sweet and adorable so I'll start taking bets now on whether she is secretly evil or will die horribly in the near future.
In Selene's dramatically wallpapered boudoir she breathes heavily at Dyson before informing him just one kiss will make him her sleeping prisoner and one more will awaken him. This inspires him to spray Selene with the “one kiss” vial from Astrid and command her to kiss Eddie. I have to wonder what fun one actually has with a prisoner if all they do is sleep until released.
Maybe Selene just really likes to cuddle. Eddie has had enough of the snuggles and hilariously wakes up, elbows Selene in the face and calls her a “harlot.” Thankfully he's feeling grateful to Dyson and responds to his request for help with my favorite solution to any problem: “perhaps mead, on me or a Turkish bath.” Eddie knows where it's at. Dyson is predictably no fun and simply requests Eddie's help in locating Bo.
On the train to nowhere or from nowhere or just staying nowhere, really it's not clear what this train's schedule is and I'm getting tired of the lack of station announcements, Bo is picking the lock to exit her luxurious suite. She mentions that Kenzi was right and everyone should know how to pick locks and realizes Kenzi is a name she knows but also doesn't. This prompts her to abandon the stealth of lock-picking and simply bang on the door and yell. A maid enters and tells Bo to be quiet or she'll “awaken him” but that she cannot say who he is. The train starts to shake (or possibly they hit a patch of turbulent nothingness) and the maid declares “you made him angry! This is all your fault!”
Eddie has found himself some actual clothing and an umbrella and the men take a walk outside to talk about Bo. He chastises Dyson for giving only a physical description when he needs to know where each of their hearts lie. The wolf admits that Bo has a girlfriend and Eddie hilariously says “ah, the betrayal of a strumpet” because Eddie is a little bit great. Dyson jumps to Bo's defense and also shows Eddie the picture from Kenzi. Hale identifies Kenzi as his before awkwardly backing up to say she's his friend. Whatever Hale, just go get that already.
Upon seeing the Wanderer card Eddie joins team ominous and cryptic by saying, “if that is your Bo on the card she is in a heap of trouble.” He turns down Dyson's impassioned plea for help instead opting to seek mutton. We've all been there, right? This causes Dyson to give a nauseatingly heartfelt description of Bo that I'd rather just transcribe than comment on: “she has the most beautiful heart and it breaks every time someone she loves is hurting. She's brave, stubborn, passionate, true. She loves with all of her being and I can't do any of this without her.” Both Eddie and Hale are impressed and the former decides to help with the hunt and the latter to finally go get that. Eddie again thinks this is cause for some intoxication but Dyson is really stuck on this idea that they should actually look for Bo. I bet he was the kid that did all his school assignments on the first day too. Learn to procrastinate a little dude.
Lauren is enjoying attention even less subtle than Crystal's and complains to the fellow waitress “that guy just slapped my butt with his eyes.” Crystal is having none of it and totally calls her out on the cold shoulder she's been giving. Lauren looks adorably chastised and begins “I'm sorry if I was rude earlier but...” when Crystal cuts her off informing her that “no good apology ever included the words if and but.” Crystal eventually lets Lauren off the hook before suggesting the guy wasn't so bad as she too would “slap that.” Lauren clearly found this easier when she could just get women naked in her examination room and feel them up.
Crystal and Lauren's moment is interrupted by the ass-slapping eyes guy choking on his food. Lauren turns suddenly doctor and lays the man on his back while reaching for a knife so large and pointy it has no place on a regular diner table. My first thought here is that Lauren has really let her skills lapse if she's trying to do a tracheotomy by slicing this deep into and far along the poor guy's neck. Maybe it's for the best that she's a waitress now.
Luckily the doctor knows more than me and has identified the man as a particular type of fae with a tiny monster that emerges from his neck. Or something. She removes a foreign object that closely resembles the slug in Vex's throat. Or it could just be some food. More concerning for Lauren is the fact that Crystal recorded the whole event on her phone and is excited to make all the money from it.
Dyson and Eddie have now made their way to some deserted train tracks and the tracker is reliving his previous victories while Dyson reminds him yet again that “the woman I love is out there and she is in danger.” He's a fun guy to hang out with. Showing a slightly more useful skill Dyson sniffs out that they are being followed and we see Cleo lounging on a pile of wood and watching them through binoculars. Classic Cleo. Before they find her the men stumble upon a conveniently located temporal rift and decide to investigate.
Hale enters Kenzi's house touting flowers and adorably rehearsing his confession. Kenzi is exhausted by the mothering life but touched by Hale's flowers which she assumes are a contribution to the shrine of Bo's room. Hale eventually gets her back on track and delightfully declares his like for her. Things go very well until Hale realizes Astrid's perfume may be playing a part in Kenzi's enthusiasm but before they can dwell on this, they are interrupted by a scream from the next room.
Tamsin is growing up rapidly with both boobs and hair erupting. Hale dutifully attempts a facts of life speech before being frightened off by Tamsin's re-enactment of jumping rope. The newly adolescent valkyrie declares “I feel super-bizarro” and Kenzi gets the line of the episode with, “I'm sorry to tell you kid but it's never going away. It's just part of growing up.” Kenzi gets me.
Team Dyson and Eddie (Dydie? Edison?) hit a crucial point in their relationship - their first fight - when Dyson realizes Eddie's unfamiliarity with technology impede his tracking abilities. As Eddie attempts to work a fae vending machine Cleo descends on him with his own umbrella, warning “if you open the gate to another dimension without a ticket then we all go kaboom.”
Dyson and Cleo scuffle until Cleo claims that she herself is Eddie. While this is not actually true, Cleo has been filling in while Eddie's been unconscious. Eddie's epic retort is to start singing a song about his exploits until he is hit by a train. RIP team Edison.
Cleo and Dyson head to Kenzi's place to retrieve the card which they now realize will work as a ticket for the next train at 8:15pm (or MMXV in Roman numerals). Cleo's status as an elemental allows her power over the fire which is apparently in the card, not Tamsin's fingers so thankfully she will be able to read after all. Just as soon as she gets used to having breasts.
Back at the vending machine of mystery Cleo and Dyson have a brief discussion about motives and feelings before she feeds the ticket in. While they wait for the train Dyson has a quick phone conversation with Lauren who is completely over her fun times at Ronny's. Dyson says he “doesn't know if you are the best rival or the worst” and advises she use her resourceful nature to stick it out. I'm sure she finds that very comforting.
While Dyson talks to Lauren, Cleo is having her own phone meeting with a burned and bruised Vex who offers her more money than Dyson but makes her promise to return Bo alive. She tells him they have a deal while telling Dyson he has her blood oath. Who knows what this woman is up to. Even Cleo looks like she has her doubts as her and Dyson stand on the tracks awaiting what she identifies as a “death train.” Why couldn't it be a fun train just once?
Kenzi has finally gotten the Tamteen (I'm liking this one) to sleep and is on the phone with her sparkly cream dealer. She heads out to meet him leaving the valkyrie unattended. Presumably that won't cause any problems.
In an effort to solve her latest problem Lauren finally has some post-work shots with Crystal. As soon as the Crystal excuses herself Lauren tries to unlock her phone and gets totally busted her. Lauren ridiculously pretends she wants to look at a weather app (see above re: Lauren being the worst at this) and ends up just explaining that there are people after her and that the video's release will put her in danger. Crystal deletes the video and is rewarded with a hug many girls would very willingly sacrifice notoriety for. Lauren tells Crystal her real name while I lament whatever tragic future awaits her.
Back on the train to nowhere Bo is feeding on the maid's chi, taking “just enough to get out” before leaping into the nothingness outside the train with nothing more than an “it's time to go.”
Next week: Bo returns to her appropriate plane of existence and does some investigating while still in the same dress!