This week’s episode of Coven, “The Sacred Taking,” was written by Ryan Murphy himself, so you just know there’s going to be five thousand Jessica Lange monologues.
But first we need at least a few minutes of not-monologues and we get it in the form of Queenie, who is taunted by creepers as she takes a walk under an eerie bridge at night.
Just as the homeless guy is getting just creepy enough for the audience to be okay with his murder, Queenie does just that. The Blonde Twins (Zoe and Madison, of course) swoop out of nowhere to try and stop her, but Queenie claims she’s helping her Voodoo Queen make a potion that will give her more powers. “Voodoo, witchcraft. This town ain’t big enough for the both of us. War is coming and you’re going to lose,” Queenie explains, in a magnificently vast leap in character development that apparently occurred over Thanksgiving break.
Cut to Fiona, who right off the bat starts with a dramatic monologue about the personal destruction caused by her cancer (but still makes snappy Bewitched references).
Cordelia takes this vulnerable moment as an opportunity to insult Fiona’s cooking, but luckily Fiona does have one person on her side- the ever-loving Axeman, who is now aware of her illness. She explains to him she’s not afraid of death, just living in pain and ugliness. When he asks her if she’s ever considered suicide she responds, “I’ll stay alive just to spite them.” And presumably to deliver more monologues.
Hot Neighbor Luke has his own problems over in Coven-ville, as his mom Joan (Patti Lupone) demands he get naked and have a bleach enema because he’s “unclean from the inside out.” She believes he’s consorting with witches- and he kinda is because of his perfect friendship with Nan- but are lethal bathtub smoothies really the best way to sort things out? Did none of you see Carrie? Religious mothers punishing their children never goes well! Eve was weak, Luke! Remember that! Not to mention, someone really needs to sort out why Ryan Murphy has to have at least three completely disturbing mother/son relationship story lines in every season of this show. Didn’t we get enough with Zachary Quinto? No? Fine.
It’s really not a good day for Fiona as the Coven consorts to kill her. Just as they’re starting their plot, Misty Day shows up with her newly un-earthed Myrtle claiming someone invaded her peaceful garden hut to blow her brains out.
She and Myrtle both escaped, and while there are clearly a lot of questions here, Nan asks the most important one, “How did your hair grow back so quick?” Myrtle’s answer makes no sense and has to do with a North Korean hair product. What a let down, I was hoping we would finally find the secret to this Garnier-sponsored Resurrection thing Misty has apparently mastered.
Myrtle then declares Misty the new Supreme as, “She’s brought back more people from the dead than Jesus Christ.” Wonderful, being declared Supreme always goes so well for everyone.