In a world where Christmas has ended and New Year's is long past Lang Syned, our reasons to celebrate have pretty much run dry. But oh wait, ye avid TV views! Don’t put away your holiday cheer just yet, there’s one more celebration! American Horror Story: Coven is back on our televisions with a vengeance, new plot lines, and a weirdly inserted guest appearance.
As you may recall, when we left off Cordelia’s Fuzzy Husband had murdered everyone in Marie Laveau’s hair salon, leading Marie to seek unexpected shelter with Fiona. Over spiked tea (and a dramatic monologue) Marie explains how Fiona’s kindness has touched her soul, and that she’s finally found an equal. Well, a lot has certainly changed over the holiday season! And we’re just getting started.
As Marie sleeps, literally the creepiest dude to ever happen on this show lurks in the darkness to remind Marie that he has come for some dept she made years ago. Creepy Lurking Dude is equally confused about why Marie and Fiona are suddenly bosom buddies and keeps insisting that Marie needs to pay her due. CLD then laughs himself into a scenic transition to Marie in a hospital surrounded by crying babies. Marie magics a nurse into letting her into the nursery. I would not put it above MurphChuck to kill a baby in the first five minutes of the first episode after break, so this may all very uncomfortable. There is, however, a great drumbeat here, which I’m concerned is going to end up being my favorite thing about this episode.
Marie picks up the baby and escapes. She’s quickly surrounded by armed guards demanding the baby. “Momma’s had a hard day,” she explains. When they don’t back down, Marie gives some jarring white-eyed yodeling shriek that somehow causes the guards to kill each other. She then steals off with the baby, lovingly telling it, “Shut Up, or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Cue credits and my quick descent into once again doubting my allegiance to this program.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s, Cordelia announces that she blames herself for Fuzzy Husband’s rampage and Marie decides to fill them in on the backstory about how Fuzzy Husband was a witch hunter she hired to kill the people with whom she’s having tea. This drives Fiona to super-slap her daughter and berate her for “bringing a viper into this sacred house.” To be fair, Cordelia has had it pretty rough lately. Girl went blind, girl has Fiona for a mother, girl accidentally married a guy who wanted to kill her and all her friends for six years. Give her a break. Fiona takes a moment to explain what a witch hunter is for all those who are just tuning in, and that there are many of them that they now must kill. Ta-da! We have our plot for the rest of the season. Or the next ten minutes. One can’t really be sure anymore.
In the next scene, we are all lucky to be graced with Lily Rabe’s radiant appearance. She’s still not having any of Fiona, whom she believes will kill her for being the next Supreme. However, Fiona has something much better (or worse, depending on your tolerance for ratings stunts) in mind. Fiona takes Misty to meet a “White Witch” which is apparently a nice, earthy witch that doesn’t murder people.
From the moment we see a blonde person, we know it is Stevie Nicks and that Misty is going to burst into all of the tears (and fainting). This is a way-hyped cameo we all knew would happen, but it’s incredibly awkward and forced. Madison, Nan, and Zoe enter, discussing that it’s possible Queenie isn’t dead.
But all conversation stops as Stevie Nicks plays “Rhiannon” and they all just stand around and listen.
This is almost more uncomfortable then Creepy Lurking Dude. Madison asks if she can get Eminem to come to the house, but Fiona snarks about how Madison’s not Eminem’s type and anyway as Madison isn’t the next Supreme. So apparently now we invite the Supreme’s celebrities over just because. If I’m Supreme can I meet Amber Heard? Misty and Stevie then twirl around with their special shawls together, and this is officially the strangest show on television.
Madison is still mega-jealous that Misty is Supreme even though it literally got her killed last time. Nan claims her powers are growing and proves that she could really be the next Supreme by nearly raping Madison with a cigarette (it’s not a Coven recap until there’s a truth I regret typing). We next discover that Madison’s heart murmur was cured by her resurrection, and also that Madison thinks she is Jesus and wants to challenge Misty to be the next Supreme.