10 TV Women We Wish Were Our Valentine - Plus Some Honorable Mentions...
It’s that time of year again! Valentine’s Day may not be everyone’s favorite holiday, but whether you’re out on some romantic adventure with your lover or at home with an entire pizza and bottle of wine that you’ve bitterly claimed as your own, there’s one thing we can all agree on -- it’s a real bummer most of these woman don’t actuallyexist to celebrate with us. Presenting the ten (and then some) lovely TV ladies we’d be happy to share our pizza with this February 14th:
10. Cosima Niehaus (Tatiana Maslany) - Orphan Black
Sure, Valentine’s Day would probably be ruined by Cosima coughing up blood from whatever Clone disease she’s sadly acquired, but in a magical world where everything works out fine, this swoon-worthy scientist definitely deserves a box of chocolates (and a flu shot). Let’s be real, anything Tatiana Maslany touches turns to gold, and any member of the Clone Club may look the perfect V-Day part, but Cosima seems a lot less likely to murder you or get you strangled in a disposal then say, Helena or Alison. Don’t forget to mark April 19th on your calendar- Orphan Black’s return is a holiday of its own.
9. Paige McCullers (Lindsey Shaw) - Pretty Little Liars
Paige has certainly had some rough patches, but she’s quickly become one of Pretty Little Liars’ most sensible characters. In fact, Paige is so welcome now that we almost forgot about that time she tried to drown Emily! Of late, Paige’s silliest decision may be that she’s still dating her swimmer squeeze (see: honorable mentions), which has led to kidnapping and almost murder on more than one occasion. Sticking by your girlfriend when a psycho killer is constantly, unrelentingly after her and you? That’s dedication (and completely not recommended. Can this case really be so hard for any sort of intelligent authority to solve?) Also, there’s no denying Paige looks damn good in 1920’s noir. Happy Valentine’s Day to us!
8. Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) - Parks and Recreation
Leslie Knope is such a good friend that there was an entire episode of Parks and Recreationwhere her best friend and fiancé tried to make her less good of a friend. Fewer relationships have ever been stronger than that between Leslie Knope and Beautiful Tropical Fish Ann Perkins. In fact, it wouldn’t be so farfetched to believe Leslie would spend Valentine’s Day driving to Bloomington with a car full of deeply personal scrapbooks and other paraphernalia. Sure Leslie may, with self-admitted regret, not be gay, but who still wouldn’t want to split a waffle with Pawnee’s greatest government employee?
7. Santana Lopez (Naya Rivera) - Glee
There are two things you can count on with Glee: the latest pop hit single somehow being worked into the newest episode, and Santana being spunky, sarcastic, and undeniably sexy. With a voice that could bring you to tears and moves you definitely wish you had, Santana is the Cheerio/Gleek who, no matter how crazy or cartoonish the show can get, knows how to serve up some real gravity and human emotion. It certainly takes a special someone to make us say Demi Lovato’s a lucky girl for getting in on that storyline.
6. Everyone from Orange is the New Black
Come on, you know even Crazy Eyes would treat you damn well on Valentine’s Day. It’s hard not to love nearly all the Ladies of Litchfield, and even the ones we love to hate still hold a special place in our hearts (here’s lookin’ at you, Pennsatucky). Sure, Alex Vause may by many viewers’ inmate of choice, but it’s impossible not to appreciate Nichols, Red, Chapman, Poussey, Taystee, Big Boo, Sophia, Yoga Jones...the list literally goes on and on. Rumor very tentatively has it OINTBwill finally grace our screens again on April 25th, so there’s no better time than V-Day for a re-watch!
5. Clea DuVall & Sarah Paulson - American Horror Story(and a million other things)
Bonus: they’re real people! Though not a staple on any show in particular, Clea Duvall manages to somehow be in just about everything, and aren’t we lucky? The only time it sucks to have Clea on screen is when she’s been psychotically murdered (thanksAmerican Horror Story). As for Sarah Paulson, though she may spend most of her TV time lately getting physically or mentally tortured (thanks again,American Horror Story), she’s been a major factor in holding that show together and after seasons of craziness always comes out on top. A day where you turn on a TV and say, “I can’t watch this, it has Clea/Sarah in it,” is a day, my friend, that you are wrong.
4. Spencer Carlin (Gabrielle Christian) - South of Nowhere
Back in 2005 (and one year after The L Wordpremiered), apparently The N decided it needed some L words of its own and gifted us withSouth of Nowhere. Among (few and unimportant) other things, South of Nowheretold the story of Spencer Carlin, an innocent teenage girl-next-door who falls hard for ne’er-do-well rocker chick Ashley Davies. Sure, Ashley has major crush-status of her own, but Spencer was the voice of the series, and her journey from wide-eyed ball of confusion to confident, outspoken young woman provided a role model viewers could look up to. The series concluded with endgame couple Spashley moving in together, and a webisode series even revealed the two got married and had a child. You go, girls!
3. Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan) - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy Summers may have saved the world a lot, but it was Willow Rosenberg who provided TV’s first lesbian sex scene, and one of supernatural TV’s most eligible witches of all time. In season 4, Willow found a whole new sexuality and soul mate in fellow witch Tara, and the two embarked on a multi-season romance. Sure, there were bumps in the road, (i.e. Gods with mind-sucking powers and a lot of magic-as-a-metaphor-for-drugs plot lines) but these two women prevailed and provided some of the sweetest, most heart-wrenching moments in Buffy’s 7 season history (not to mention one rockin’ love song). Pro tip: if you don’t finish season 6 the girls could still totally be having the best Valentine’s Day ever!
2. Kate McKinnon - Saturday Night Live
Bonus Part 2: the hilarious, gorgeous Kate McKinnon actually exists! Dreams do come true. Easily one of Saturday Night Live’s MVPs (and first openly gay cast member), you know a sketch is going to be good when Kate comes on. I’m not sure how single Kate McKinnon is, but if we can’t take her out on Valentine’s Day, we can at least be thankful for the countless moments of hilarity she’s given the world. Yet another bonus: once you’ve exhausted your Kate-tastic SNLsupply, check out her past work on The Big Gay Sketch Show. With Kate, it’s impossible to be disappointed.
1. Stef and Lena Adams Foster (Sherri Saum and Teri Polo) - The Fosters
How could we ever choose between Stef and Lena? And how could we expect them to end up with anybody but each other? All while holding steady jobs, this magnificent power-couple has not only managed to raise a family but proceeded with adopting two more kids into their brood on top of deciding to potentially have another baby while somehow still managing to find some steamy alone time andget married. Honestly, writing that sentence alone is overwhelming. But the hard work is paying off, and Stef and Lena are one of if not thebest new couple on television. Here’s hoping they get the romantic Valentine’s they deserve!
Because 10 just isn't enough, click through for our Honorable Mentions!
5. Madame Vastra and Jenny Flint (Neve McIntosh and Catrin Stewart) - Doctor Who
Oh Doctor Who, where a married intergalactic interspecies lesbian couple is not only accepted, but super freaking awesome. There has been much speculation that these fan favorites may be much more present in the upcoming season, or even potentially get their own spin-off (assuming Jenny can stop almost dying all the time). Now there’s a spaceship we’d be happy to board.
4. Tara Chambler (Alanna Masterson) - The Walking Dead
Unfortunately, not only was Tara cursed with being part of the miserable storyline that was the Governor's Revenge, but her girlfriend of one episode was killed during the epic battle for the prison. Tara’s a pretty good example of why the zombie apocalypse is a rough time to fall in love, which is a shame as she was definitely the only sensible character when it came to following the awful Governor. Not trusting people who cut other people’s heads off with swords really is a quality to admire in a girl.
3. Bunny Alice (Leah Renee) - The Playboy Club
Dammit, I will never forgive NBC for canceling The Playboy Club. The only reason to believe this show was dropped is that the drama starring the always-glorious Laura Benanti and queer bombshell Amber Heard as Playboy Bunnies in the 1960s and also featured a plot about a lesbian Bunny was just too good to be true (...and had terrible ratings). Alice, who was in a marriage of convenience with a gay man, was just starting to find love when the axe fell after just three episodes. Bummer for her and for me, who was apparently one of about four people who ever tuned in.
2. Eleanor Guthrie (Hannah New) - Black Sails
Eleanor is sexy, savvy, and runs her own island. All great qualities, except she really needs to work on not more or less threatening to have her girlfriends tortured for information. Poor prostitute Max is now in a pretty unfortunate situation thanks to Eleanor’s business deals, and now Eleanor, who lost both her girlfriend and pirate captain fling, gets to spend Valentine’s Day alone.
1. Emily Fields (Shay Mitchell) - Pretty Little Liars
Emily may be a top favorite on every list of lesbians on TV these days, but unless you want to get kidnapped and/or murdered, it’s probably best to steer clear of this Pretty Little Time bomb. She’s gorgeous and dedicated, but so are her girlfriends (RIP, Maya) and there’s just no wAy any of her relationships will end well. The best thing for all of these girls to do on Valentine’s Day would be to get the hell out of Rosewood.